A Protective Shell

This isn't my first rodeo.  I've "quit drinking" before.  A few times.  What's different about this time is the terminology.  Before, when things got out of hand, I'd admit that I was a "problem drinker" or that I "drink too much sometimes", or one of my personal favs "I occasionally have alcohol issues".  Each of these labels implies that there is a temporary problem with an eventual fix.

Finally, I'm able to admit that this is not a temporary problem.  There is no fix out there for me that will let me drink again.

So how does this change things?  A million ways...both good and terrifying.  Before, I'd tell people that was just taking a break.  I'd still go out occasionally, but I'd just drink soda water with lime.  I'd sit at a dinner party, and itch for when ever my "time out" would end.  One month, two... Then, I'd reintroduce myself with my old friend, and all would be well.  Until it wasn't.

Now, I know that this isn't just a "time out".  It is a FOREVER thing.  I can't just tough it out for a few months.  I can NEVER drink again.  If I do, I know that it is only a matter of time before the nightmare resumes.  Before something really goes wrong.

This concept scares me so much that I just want to crawl back into bed.  To hide from everything, everyone.  It is a naked anxiety.  Mortifying, terrifying.  Unlike anything else I've experienced.  I'm a housewife, and usually kept pretty busy during the day.  I've barely moved from the couch the last few days.

I realize that I'm putting up a shell, and I also realize that I can't act like this forever.  It's just that I'm only four days in to this....and it is so raw.  I'm hoping to slowly incorporate the world back into my new life as a recovering alcoholic. I'm going to go on a long walk today.  We'll see how that goes.  Its just one foot in front of the other.