Monday, May 2, 2011

Accountability

The reason for this blog.  The only way that I can heal.  The only way I will remember.

Hi, my name is Hope (a pen name for now...), and I'm an alcoholic.  Phew!  Why is it that my heart races, and I become short of breath when I type that?  I know I need to put this down in words, so that three months from now, when I feel "cured" I will remember.  I'll remember that no matter how much I try, how "good" I can be, I CANNOT control my drinking. That if I start again, it will just result in the same spiral...

I know that I'm not a bad person.  I'm just not physically capable of having just one drink. I may keep it to three beers, but I'll want more.  I may go a whole week without drinking, but the then I'll binge and put myself in danger. Not every time, but enough times that I'm scared.  And I know that if I keep drinking, it will just get worse. 

I need to remember two nights ago.  Going over to a girlfriend's house after 6 hours of drinking, making an absolute ass of myself, falling down the porch steps, refusing to go to bed, and taking a cab home in one of her robes because apparently I really was about ready for bed - till I wasn't,  stumbling in to my house, and scaring the shit out of my loving husband.  Oh, and I need to remember the next day: waking up at 12:30 in the afternoon, blowing off my sister-in-law, feeling like dog shit, and eventually puking the evening away.  Yea, that's what alcohol does to me.  Not always, but when is enough enough?

Now.  I'm done.  I can't do this anymore.  I don't want to feel this shame, anxiety, fear, and self-loathing.  I need to take control of my life, and of this addiction.  And I can't do it alone.  I'm hoping that with my husband, my friends, and this blog I will be able to remember why I can't drink. And be able to live a life of recovery and hope.  And what better gift could I possible give myself than that?

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