The reason for this blog. The only way that I can heal. The only way I will remember.
Hi, my name is Hope (a pen name for now...), and I'm an alcoholic. Phew! Why is it that my heart races, and I become short of breath when I type that? I know I need to put this down in words, so that three months from now, when I feel "cured" I will remember. I'll remember that no matter how much I try, how "good" I can be, I CANNOT control my drinking. That if I start again, it will just result in the same spiral...
I know that I'm not a bad person. I'm just not physically capable of having just one drink. I may keep it to three beers, but I'll want more. I may go a whole week without drinking, but the then I'll binge and put myself in danger. Not every time, but enough times that I'm scared. And I know that if I keep drinking, it will just get worse.
I need to remember two nights ago. Going over to a girlfriend's house after 6 hours of drinking, making an absolute ass of myself, falling down the porch steps, refusing to go to bed, and taking a cab home in one of her robes because apparently I really was about ready for bed - till I wasn't, stumbling in to my house, and scaring the shit out of my loving husband. Oh, and I need to remember the next day: waking up at 12:30 in the afternoon, blowing off my sister-in-law, feeling like dog shit, and eventually puking the evening away. Yea, that's what alcohol does to me. Not always, but when is enough enough?
Now. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to feel this shame, anxiety, fear, and self-loathing. I need to take control of my life, and of this addiction. And I can't do it alone. I'm hoping that with my husband, my friends, and this blog I will be able to remember why I can't drink. And be able to live a life of recovery and hope. And what better gift could I possible give myself than that?
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